Reading my posts over the past months, you will know my first IVF treatment experience was a very positive one. Everything went very smoothly and so nicely, with such positive results along the way, we were SURE we would get a positive result when it came time to do a pregnancy test.
However, it was negative and the numbness, disbelief and disappointment that surrounded the days after this were truly terrible. I didn’t have so much time to really process the feelings. A very sweet friend was being married that evening, a friend was arriving from Australia the following day, less than a week later another friend arrived from the UK and another very dear friend (who is 6 months pregnant) was getting married. I also received the wonderful news that one of my best friends was 3 months pregnant. It was a period of wonderful celebrations & excitement for these very dear friends coming right at a time when I felt like hiding in a cupboard in the dark with the disappointment of my ‘failure’.
Putting my own feelings aside, I celebrated and connected with the positive energy of the moment and rejoiced in the excitement that these special people in my life were feeling. There were difficult moments for sure, but in hindsight, its clear that in doing this, it was in its own way, a precious gift I gave to myself also.
When I eventually took some quiet moments to sit with myself I found that an unconscious rationalising of my circumstances had occurred. A wise and positive sense of perspective had been created with the absence of ‘my mind’. I realised a few things that I believe are incredibly important to remember when faced with the disappointment of a negative pregnancy result.
1. Few things in life work the first time round
Consider your experience with finding love, a career, a home and even learning to ride a bike!! All of these things have usually needed more than one try to find the success and contentment we imagined for ourselves. We have needed to brush off our wounded hearts/egos/ mind and carry on in search of ‘the one’
IVF is the same. When it doesn’t work the first time its painfully disappointing there’s no doubt of this, but its not a reason to give up. As we do in our lives, we need to learn from our experience and move forward trying to do it better next time round. Maybe its putting more heart in to the diet the doctor suggested, maybe its meditating more regularly in order to keep stress levels down and the body more at peace during the process, maybe its sleeping more, maybe its simply being more positive, visualising the positive result we want rather than spending the majority of our time gripped by the fear of failure. There are so many little changes we can make to help things along.
2. The financial costs
Its so common and natural when the sense of failure comes that we consider the financial cost of the attempt. ’What a waste of money’ etc etc. However, its really not helpful to think like this. Money is money, its purpose is to buy us the things that we need and want in life. If being a mother is something we really want then its the perfect use for money. After all, if its not spent on another IVF treatment, at some stage in our life it will eventually be spent on a home, a holiday, a new sofa, car or any other number of ‘things.’ If we really want a child, we really want to experience the joy of motherhood and we are having trouble naturally then money is simply a means to try to get what we want. If you can afford to have another go then why not and if you cant afford it, begin a determined search to find what funding is available, what options are out there for you. There are options, but it means being super determined in your hunt for information.
3. There are no guarantees in life
This is an important one. All throughout our lives we learn this essential lesson and we need to remember to put it into context in our journey through IVF as well. When we really want something with all our heart, the best we can do is to go for it, to give it everything we have, to believe as strongly as we can that its possible and to do everything that needs to be done. That’s all we can do, life determines the results.
We have all had dreams that we gave our complete heart and soul to that didn’t work out. We have all felt that disappointment, that heart wrenching feeling of not achieving a dream or goal. But we also know that we survived it, we moved on and with time the pain subsided and other wonderful things occurred, other successes were experienced.
One of the things I believe that help us to move on is that there is no guilt when we know that we really gave it everything we had, we were focused, we were determined, we put our heart and soul into it. When it doesn’t happen, its devastating and heart breaking but we know we did everything we possibly could to make it happen. Its the best we can do, the rest is out of our control.
After my next period I return to focussing on babies. I am blessed with not needing to do the full hormone treatment as my little body produced enough eggs for another try. I feel good, I feel determined and I feel very focussed. So Lets see ..
Until next time
much love mysticmiss
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