courtesy of the art of happiness.com
If one listens to all the hype on love and reads all the fluffy books available, one could easily be mistaken in thinking that love is easy, that love is a breeze.
Reality is however, although love is one of the most amazingly wonderful experiences we will have in our lives, it can be hard work. It takes enormous effort and awareness to really experience love in all its magnificence.
Ask anyone who has loved deeply for long periods… all will say the same ..there are many moments on the journey of love when love doesnt feel very magnificent at all!!!
There are three general stages of love. The Honeymoon period is a truly magical experience. Everything is so rosy, so right and so much fun. Its full with desire, wonderment and lust and the unforgettable thrill of connecting to a new body and a new energy feels amazing.
This person, with their new ideas, new opinions, new dreams and new perspective on life is so stimulating.. Wow wow wow we say to ourselves, love feels absolutely fantastic!!
The next phase on the love journey however, is a little less grandiose, though very necessary to experience in order to get to the more meaningful reality of love.
Sometimes it takes a year, sometimes 2 weeks, but it happens, stage two arrives and it’s when the ‘work’ in love begins. Things about your partner begin to get on your nerves. Things that you once loved about him/her because it made them unique, made them different than anyone you have known before, now start driving you absolutely crazy.
The unusual habits and the moods no longer amuse you, let alone thrill you. Buttons begin to get pressed, insecurities surface, tempers start to flair and life together is now more volatile. Life with the other starts to feel uncomfortable. Sounding a little familiar?
‘Different’ now no longer holds the same appeal. A yearning for something more familiar creeps up. You start to feel like you need more space, like you want to take a bit of your life back. You begin to realise that this ‘together all the time’ business is a maybe a little too much for you. You just want some aloneness, some ‘me’ time!
Sadly, so many potentially interesting and deeply satisfying relationships finish when this period arrives. The change is too uncomfortable, the honeymoon was so nice and easy.. who needs this struggle!!
However, it is in this period, that love can really begin to grow. All these feelings that make one question our love are completely NATURAL!!! It doesnt mean that there is a flaw in your love, or that the love has disappeared, it simply means that the other side of the coin is now having its time in the spotlight.
There are two sides to every experience, to everything in our reality. Day night, joy sadness, aloneness togetherness, rain drought, full moon no moon, high low, valleys mountains..I can go on and on with examples..but the important realisation is that one does not exist without the other. Or more specifically, we would not know the existence of one without the other.
In the blissful honeymoon period, feelings of togetherness are strongly experienced, hence it is only natural that this feeling will transform to a need for aloneness. Nothing wrong with this, its the way, our wise inner self brings balance to our lives.
There is a wide spectrum of feelings to be experienced in love and the need for more space and moodiness towards one another are simply part of the program.
It’s how you deal with these challenges as they arise, how you communicate your needs to the other, that opens the door for the fowering of love. Learning to give respect and to have tolerance are very necessary in love.
Accepting these feelings when they arise and not going too deeply into them is the key. There is no need to feel uncomfortable, they are completely natural.
Rather than projecting your need onto your partner by blaming him/her that its not working or you need to get away because they are doing ‘this’ or ‘that’, take responsibility for them. Your needs are natural, they arise in all relationships, there is no need for blame, none at all.
Its natural a partner may feel a little hurt or insecure hearing your needs for the first time. After all until now you have been happy to be with them. Remember, It is no fault of theirs, or yours, that these needs have surfaced.
They would arise no matter who ‘the other’ is. Think about that for a moment just to let it sink it a bit deeper.. these needs will arise no matter who the other is..
Think back to how you felt after the holidays with the family? Or after a big weekend with friends. Did you have an urge to be alone afterwards or to distance yourself a little from others? An urge just to be with yourself?
This is the same principle,
Listening to your needs and communicating them honestly to the other, helps enormously on the journey of getting to know one another. It can be frightening and will naturally take practise to gain confidence, but it develops trust and a sense that its OK to be yourself, which opens the doors of the heart wider for deep love to enter.
The benefits of honest relating are limitless and will allow you to move more gently and compassionately through the challenging post honeymoon stage, allowing the relationship to evolve into something deeper than the simple desire that initially brought you together.
Deep love is a combination of the honeymoon and the aloneness periods. Its truthful, its spontaneous and it is respectful of oneself and the other. It acknowledges that each is an individual with different needs..needs that the other can not always fulfil, nor should be expected to.
When its safe to express ones needs, you celebrate each others uniqueness, you offer each other freedom and it is in this space, that love truly blossoms.
LOVE is allowing, supporting and encouraging ourselves and our partners to become the best and the greatest that we can possibly be. Its offers freedom to express and to do, go and be who ever we want to be in this life.
Its not easy, this love business, but it does allow us an amazing opportunity to know ourselves and another.. it is a beautiful journey of self discovery and in my opinion, the reason why we are here.
To discover ourselves. To know ourselves more, to accept ourselves more.. thats the purpose of life and love is the very exciting path in which we do this.
Want Tips on how to communicate your personal needs? click here
Until next time
Having trouble understanding how to express yourself to your partner? Go to for tips.
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